I Tamper With The Evidence At The Murder Site Of Odin

Twitter links

2010-02-25T08:02:44Z

Follow Dethtweet Minute for news on all your favourite death metal musicians and their manager.

With kiteling's blessing, I've taken over the Skwisgaar account. Highlights from just the first day include: picking up a bunch of women via Twitter (if you're female and message him, he'll hit on you), getting drunk with Pickles, arguing with Murderface about not wanting a father figure and planning out his death with Toki, getting Toki's come in his eyes (...yes), plotting to get Charles a French maid's outfit per a fan's suggestion, being tormented by his mother, and other shenanigans. It's been fun! Sadly he missed interacting with Nathan and Rockzo, the former because he wasn't around and the latter because I hadn't followed him yet.

I finally cleared out his following list. For some reason he was still following a bunch of people who'd stopped following him back. Pfft. But otherwise the fan response has been awesome. Each one of our tweets usually gets several responses from people, and when a bunch of us are on at the same time it goes so fast it's hard to keep up.

Now to think about setting up a Dethtweet LJ community for OOC plotting purposes...

Edit: dethtweet.

Kiddie Skwisgaar!

2009-12-15T01:47:12Z

There's still no official word on their ages, but the tapes and apparent lack of vinyl dates Skwisgaar -- he was most likely a child of the 80s in Sweden, so would probably still be under 30 now.

He was an adorable kid. He even skipped home carrying school books. Maybe he used to be a nerd.

Fatherklok preview

2009-12-10T01:07:43Z

"Regular jackoff" Skwisgaar. He should lose the hat and flannel and go back to his usual clothes, but keep his hair tied back. It looks nice.

Little kid Skwisgaar. Looks a lot like the art Smauggy did for me before we even knew what Skwisgaar looked like as a kid (see icon). Except I think he's going to end up having a goofy Dutchboy haircut in canon.

The wolves chasing him.

Tributeklok

2009-11-18T02:03:14Z

Click to see full size. Will edit to add more later.

I'm surprised Skwisgaar would let anyone else brush his hair like that. XD

"Toki? ...Ams you wearings my pants?"

And so Toki snaps his legs together. LOL. Did he think Skwisgaar was going to jump him and strip him on the spot?

Toki was drunk, of course. I like how he even has bloodshot eyes. I really want a .gif of that hilarious drunken marionette wobble he does.

Renovationklok again + blond vs blonde

2009-11-14T01:20:34Z

Those are the same suits they wore to Pickles's brother's wedding.

If you look closely, Nathan looks like he may have been crying. Aww.

The next episode is Dethklok joining their own tribute band. I thought I was imagining things at first when I saw Toki in Skwisgaar's clothes and a blond wig. :D

And thinking about language again, it's weird that people who speak English as their first language (it's my third) so often don't even know there are gendered words in English.

Blonde = a woman with yellow/blond hair.
Blond = a man with yellow/blond hair.

I know some people consider them interchangeable though (and some also understandably consider "blonde" sexist and prefer to use blond for both men and women). There's also:

Brunette = woman with brown hair.
Brunet = man with brown hair.

There should be golfing at Hogwarts just so they can wear their golf getups.

Language stuff.

2009-11-12T05:27:52Z

Interesting excerpts from a book about how well Scandinavians communicate with each other. Typed up specifically to give Metalocalypse fandom a glimpse into how Skwisgaar and Toki might understand each other in their mother tongues, which I think is pretty cool. Apparently of those who participated in the study, Norwegians and Swedes understand one another better -- or are more mutually intelligible -- than N/Danes or S/Danes. Ha. I'm sure Skwisgaar would appreciate that. Kind of surprising to me as a native speaker, I can usually understand the other languages okay. Maybe better than some English, in truth. :P

Old Skwisgaar interview from Guitar World.

2009-11-12T04:13:14Z

Even if the rest of the story about how he got into guitar might be bullshit (but come on, it's Metalocalypse; it could totally be canon), I can believe him playing since he was 10. Not so sure about working as a receptionist at a law firm, but it's a hilarious mental image and I'm going to consider it canon for RP purposes. XD He probably would've been forced to get a haircut. There needs to be fanart or fic of this.

And he says he giggles -- while talking about Toki. Too amusing. His favourite drink: Odin's Horse Tits on the Beach in Valhalla.

Dethklok's Skwisgaar Skwigelf
He's the English-torturing Swedish death metaller from Metalocalypse and the fastest guitarist alive. Plus, his fingers are insured for $1 billion - apiece! But what Guitar World readers really want to know is...

Your lead tone is amazing, especially your riffs in the "Dethklok Detheme." What's the key to your tone?
-Leah Morgan

Yeah, Leah, goods to knows you gots goods taste and a great ear. For de guitars I use a Gibson Explorers with a Kranks Revolutions, EMG-81s and 85s, And sometimes I simplys "directs line" with a Line 6 PODxt for de leads and sweeps gargeggios. I also use de MXR pedals and de Dunlops wah pedal and stuffs. Oh, and dere is a Whammys Pedal on dats, too! I guess you could say dats I'm a bits of a gear whore.

*****

You're the "fastest guitarist alive." How did you get that title, and are you worried about all the young shredders who are trying to take it from you?
-John Clapper

Yeah, dat was a title givens to me by Noble Prize-winning super-scientists. Ands hey, whatever, it's don'ts means much to me. Though it really gets under Toki's [Wartooth, Dethklok rhythm guitarist] skin - who ams a, let's face it, sloppys player. But dats makes me giggles to sees him so mad.

And hey, I'm sure dere ams little goofball dlldos out dere who ams fasters players dan me, but deeps down underneath they are really bad people. And they hates demsselves, and I just feel sorrys for dems. But good for dems for tryings so hard to play fast. If dat's whats dey needs to gets through the day...

*****

You always have your Gibson Explorer in your hands. What is your typical practice regimen?
-Brent Thompson

If you wants to know hows to practice and be as greats as me, do exactly whats I do: First gives your guitar a names and a hat and some pants and a credit cards and a bank account. Den go online and checks your MySpace account about a billions times. Dens makes a sandwhich and eats it and throws it up. Dens puts Tobasco sauce in your eyes. Dens set your face on fire. Den go watch de Pauls Gilbert's Intense Rock video. And dens practice yours pickings, because it's easy to lets de pickings get sloppy. So do dat exactly. Or you will not improve. Sorry.

*****

What inspired you to first pick up a guitar? And how old were you?
-Conrad Oystein

I was 10 years olds in the Swedens winter. I was beings chased by wolves, and I fell into a cave. In dat cave I founds an old guitar caked in mud near de bones of an ancients warrior. I slammeds it down and de mud fell off. De pickups was still goods, but it needed somes new strings. At dats moments I knew dat dis relashonips would last forevers.

*****

What is your most important piece of gear, and why?
-Dennis Swayze

My most unportants piece of gear is a goods breakfast and a greats attitude. And a string. De low one. De E. In metals, dats gets de most use, 'cause it's lows and heavys. Dethklok tunes down to C usually, buts not alsways. And de Dunlop Jazz III picks.

*****

Dethklok fans are an infamously devoted bunch. What's the craziest thing a fan has done to show support?
-Trish McAleer

Ones time, dese ladies makes for me some pants made of ****. Dat's pretty crazy!

*****

I heard you guys were releasing a CD and DVD this fall. Any truth to that?
-Eric Donnely

Dat's very true. Yeah The Dethalbum is comings out Dethtember 25 - dat's whats hows we calls Septembers 25. Full-length songs and nevers-before-heard new tracks, toos! It's got a whole bunch of cools stuff. We managed to recover some of de songs dats [Dethklok singer] Nathans Explosion deleted, including "Thunderhorse" dats you may know from Guitar Hero II. And we has some stuff from de Underwater Albums, too! But it's turneds outs nice and heavys, I gots to say.

*****

I hear a lot of Death and Morbid Angel influence in your work. What artists inspire you?
-Terrance Eichelberger

Oh, so many. Yes, so much metal out dere is great. And dere ams so many great styles of metal out dere dat ams great, too - like Pantera, Dimmu Borgir, Arch Enemy, Nevermore, Strapping Young Lad, Exodus, Steely Dan, Emperor, King Diamond, Slayer, Metallica, Megadeth, Behemoth, Blue Oyster Cult, Amon Amarth, Cannibal Corpse, Chicago, Nile, Rogers and Hammerstein, Gorgoroth - sooo many dats my brains can't remembers alls of dems at once.

*****

Dethklok is definitely a brutal band, but so were the Norwegian black metal bands like Burzum, Emperor and Mayhem. Do you think it's too extreme to make necklaces out of pieces of human skulls?
-Jon Weber

I happens to thinks that most jewelry is a bits extreme. Somestimes it just a littles too much. Makes you looks overdone, likes you're tryings too hard.

I likes a lady who ams naturaly beautiful, not flaunting chunks of skulls on a string like a stupid show-off...whos I would still haves sex with anyway. Does dats answers your question?

*****

If you could play with any three guitarists - living or dead - who would you pick, and why?
-Anthony Grimes

I picks three living guitarists. Who wants to play with dead guys? Dey woulds just lay theres anysway.

Does dey all have to be guitarists? Just sounds likes a lots of egos to deals with. Cans one of dems just be a hots naked lady who has gones insane from horniness? Buts havings said dat, how's about Brian May, Bill Cosby and Osama Bin Ladens - sos we cans traps him...with an old-fashioned mousetrap.

*****

You have an amazing guitar collection, which includes the Swiss Army-tar, ant farm-itar, Gibson Excalliburtar, the Christ's cross guitar... What new axes do you have your eye on acquiring?
-Martin Aleph

I'm having a guitar builts of living whales blubber and a bald eagle, with jumbo frets and a Sixties-style taper neck with a P90 singles-coil in the neck and a Fudgsicle in the bridge.

And dere's de Arm-tar. I'm talks to Gibson abouts puttings frets into my right forearms, with EMGs under my actuals skin, so dats I can always play my Arm-tar whenevers I want! I'm alsos gonna tries to gets an amp installed into my stomach so dat I cans plugs my Arm-tar into my stomach and rocks out! But I don't know how we woulds mass-produce dat. I haves another invention called Fingers-Helmets to protects your fingers tips if your hands falls down the stairs.

Oh, but I also wants one of dems new Les Paul Classic Customs. Dems is pretty sweet! Also, Dethklok and Epiphone are working on the Dethklok Guitar, to be out soon!

*****

Your Advanced Hand Finger Wizard Master Class pay-per-view event got kinda messed up by your allergy to cilantro. [Skwisgaar's face and hands swelled after he poured barbecue souce that contained cilantro on his hands.] What else are you allergic to? And do you think you'll ever give a lesson again?
-Carl Hodgkin

Actuallys, dere is a lessions on de Guitar World's CD-ROM this month where dat yous can leans it de solo form de "Dethklok Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle." So checks dat out! It will also be on de Metalocalypse DVD.

Buts I'm also allergics to dats wasabi stuff. It gives me fat-fingers disease, too, and burns my snostrals.

*****

Your current home in Mordhaus is amazing and must have cost a lot of money. I'm wondering what you did to make ends meets before Dethklok got huge, and where did you live when you were a struggling musician?
-Terrell Moore

Yeah, times was tough. I hads a lot of crappy jobs. I was a receptionist fors a while at a law firm, but I got fired for accidentally smoking a large stacks of subpoenas when I rans out of rolling papers. De laws firm was so mad that theys forced me to sue myself.

*****

You guys are living the good life. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage, and what is your craziest on-the-road story?
-Michael Thomson

My favorite drink is called de "Odin's Horse Tits on the Beach in Valhalla." It's fermented lingons berries, vermouth and rum, served from a petrified horse tit. I alsos must confess dat dems wine coolers is pretty awesomes, toos.

Craziest on-de-road story is when we was in Japan and fought a gigantic radiosactive lizard-moster whos could breath fires. Dats wasn't de crazy part; de crazy part was dat I lost my wallets and a really goods Samaritans founds it and gaves it back to me. Dat's kinda crazys, don't you thinks?

(Look for Dethklok's Dethalbum CD, on sale September 25, and the Metalocalypse Season 1 DVD, on sale October 2. Season two of Metalocalypse will air Sunday nights on Comedy Central's Adult Swim, beginning September 23.)

Renovationklok

2009-11-10T02:03:19Z

Pickles looks really weird without the goatee.

Younger Dethklok! With a creepy rhythm guitarist who isn't Toki. Toki really was last to join the band, it seems. I'm going to laugh if it turns out Toki and Skwis knew each other before Dethklok and Skwis is the reason why Toki was able to join, since it's a fairly popular theory in fandom. It also wouldn't even be the first time a fandom theory later becomes canon.

Also, Skwisgaar's Swedish flag belt. XD I assume, even though it's reversed. Possibly a flipped animation error. And like I said to Toki-mun, he apparently never ages, he just changes clothes. Maybe his eyebrows are slightly higher? Otherwise he really just looks the same.

Nathan's signature.

I like how Skwisgaar isn't even signing in the right place. He has a very practised signature already. And hello epic crotch shot.

Okay, younger Nathan was srsly hot. You can't tell me the whole band+Ofdensen didn't want to tap that.

DEATH METAL

You're not supposed to show such obvious favouritism, Charlie. XD

Needs less creepy guy, moar Toki.

Toki apparently wandered around Mordhaus in his stripper getup for a while. XD Looks like the animators only drew his stripper body in one pose, so he looks like he has to piss here.

Dethklok rarely play live in their world?

2009-10-16T08:56:09Z

This shirt features superstar band Dethklok and the back has a listing of their most recent tour dates.

Warsaw, Poland
Canceled (due to Locusts)

Munich, Germany
Canceled (due to Acid Flash Floods)

Oslo, Norway
Canceled (due to exploding "Naturally Occurring" Fire Pockets)

Odense, Denmark
Canceled (due to "Naturally Occurring" Blood Rain)

Milano Italy
Canceled (due to Citywide Quarantine after PLAGUE outbreak)

Gelsenkirchen, Germany
Canceled (due to Poison Frogs)

Solvesvorg, Sweden
Canceled (due to Actual 'sh*t storm')

Wacken, Germany
Canceled (due to Rabid Falcons)

Kreuth, Germany
Canceled (due to audience's simultaneous heart Attack)

Prateeln, Switzerland
Canceled (due to Nuclear Mutation from Plutonium powered amplifiers)

Atlantic Ocean
Atlantis Underwater Concert
Canceled (due to Multiple Drownings)

London, England
Special Date with London Philharmonic
Canceled (due to Laser Lights severing Orchestra)

Espoo, Finland
Canceled (accidentally awoke ancient Troll from Finnish Necronomicon who Devours City)

Vinson Massif, Antarctica
Antarctica Summer Slam
Canceled (due to Polar Ice Caps burned off by Napalm Pyrotechnics)

Kavanra, Bulgaria
Canceled (band accidentally played the Secret "Crazy Frequency" that Makes People Kill Themselves with Rocks)

Burlington, Vermont
Canceled (due to Maple Syrup Strychnine Flood)

Batisford, Norway
Batisford Jingle Coffee Massacre Fest
Not Canceled
though 80,000 people rushed to hyper-Intensive Care from 1st Degree "coffee burns"

Brutal. Source is one of their licensed shirts.

And Dethklok's Top 10, thanks to Nathan's player. Some highlights (a few typos fixed by me):

8) Meshuggah: 'ObZen'

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: More Scandinavians Metal for you. Dis am a newer ones. Dese guys are robots froms anothers planets. It ams verys articsulatelys executeds, and dat ams a supremes complimentks comings from me. Also funs to have sex tos. I has to be really warmed up though and keeps mind of where ONE is. . .

7) Metallica: 'Master of Puppets'

Toki: Still one of de most epics albums of all times. I nearly becames a professionals puppeteer because of dat song. I still haves my old marionettes, no joke!

4) Yngwie Malmsteen: 'Rising Force'

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Ja. Dis prettys much blews opens de doors for me, you knows. A fellows Swedes alsos. Ja, he plays about four thousand notes in a abouts a seconds. Real inspirings stuff. He ams Swedish too. Dids I mentions dat? Oh, It's ams a goods albums to makes loves tos. . . There ams some fun rhythmics interpolations that I likes to match with my hip thrustings. The best note groupings for makings love would has to be sextouplettes. . .

"Make love"? Srsly? From Skwisgaar? Lawl. Also I like the nod to Malmsteen (well deserved, IMO), since Skwisgaar's playing and personality are partially based on his.

Interview: Dethklok

2009-09-20T03:04:53Z

From IGN. Includes an example of their pain waiver. Toki's influences are depression and wind, he loves questions, and Skwisgaar apparently likes to fuck their gear.

A Q&A with the world's most popular heavy metal band, soon to have their own Adult Swim series.
by IGN Staff

July 14, 2006 - Premiering Sunday, Aug. 6 at 11:45pm ET/PT on Adult Swim is Metalocalypse, a new animated comedy series from Tommy Blacha (Da Ali G Show) and Brendon Small (Home Movies).

Metalocalypse follows the on- and off-stage adventures of Dethklok, the world's most popular and heaviest heavy metal band. The band is so popular that thousands of fans will travel to a remote area of Scandinavia to hear them perform a single song: a jingle for a coffee company. So popular that these fans will sign "pain waivers" in case anything truly horrible happens to them at a show, which invariably occurs. The band members are also incredibly selfish and stupid, and they create a wave of mayhem, death and destruction wherever they go.

The members of Dethklok are:

Nathan Explosion - Vocalist. The lyrical visionary of Dethklok.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf - Guitar. From Sweden. Fastest guitar player alive.

Toki Wartooth - Guitar. From Norway. Second-fastest guitar player alive.

William Murderface - Bass. No one in the world is full of more hatred than him. And he hates no one more than he hates himself.

Pickles - Drummer. Raised in the Midwest, he became the world's most celebrated drummer after fronting L.A. rock band Snakes and Barrels.

The five Dethklok members recently sat down with the press to discuss their music, their influences, and the band. Below are their responses, followed by the pain waiver they require all Dethklok concert-goers to sign.

Q: First, let's start with the persistent rumors that Dethklok has signed a contract with the devil. Can you finally put this to rest?

William Murderface: I'll put you to rest.

Toki Wartooth: The devil is dildoes.

Nathan Explosion: There is no such thing as the devil because there has to be a god in order for there to be a devil. And we all know there is no god. And if there were a GOD then he would have protected us from signing that deal with the devil. And now we're stuck with a deal with some guy who doesn't even exist.

Q: If Dethklok is the heaviest band in the world, and also the most popular band in the world, what does that say about the world?

William Murderface: I'd like to destroy world hunger by destroying the world.

Toki Wartooth: I love questions, and dats a good one.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: It means nothing because, heavy or not, the world is a black vortex of black Nothingness and I hate our audience.

Q: The band has both the world's fastest and second-fastest guitarists alive in it. Is that a bit of overkill?

William Murderface: I'll overkill you.

Toki Wartooth: No, it's "underlive." Ha ha.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Not at all. As the fastest guitarist, I prefer to have someone a little worse at guitar in the band, like Toki. Because I think you would takes it for granted that I am the best. Like you get used to a room filled with the smell of roses until you go into a room with a rotting corpse smell - then you go back to the roses room and extra appreciates it a greats degrees better.

Q: Is it too loud, or am I too old?

William Murderface: I'm too fat.

Toki Wartooth: You gots hairs in your ears.

Pickles: It is loud. It's very loud. Before each show I have liquid concrete poured into my ears so that I don't cause permanent damage. You gotta protect your ears, anyone will tell you that. But what they don't tell you is that you should protect other parts of your body from loudness - for example, we now have to travel with a gastroenterologist.

Q: Nathan, you have a distinctive vocal style. What do you do to take care of your voice and still fill it with anger and hate?

William Murderface: I'm not Nathan.

Nathan Explosion: Two words: Potato chips and chocolate milk. I can go for days smoking and drinking and killing myself staying awake, but have a glass of chocolate milk and a handful of potato chips and I'm good to go.

Q: What's heavier - your music or your lyrics?

William Murderface: The lyrsmusic…shut up!

Toki Wartooth: Oooh, good question, it's like a two-parter.

Pickles: We had them professionally weighed recently and the difference is fractional. But the lyrics actually were heavier. The one lyric that tipped the scales was "I have a hate horse torso whose face is a Corpse/ Lacerated innards and a ding dong doodily dorpse." Now that's heavy.

Q: What kind of gear do you use?

William Murderface: Krank amps and Gibson guitars.

Toki Wartooth: Gibson guitars and Krank amps, but Krank won't give us no hoodies.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Gibson guitars. I stick with my Explorer and Toki usually plays a V, Krank amps- right now I'm using the KRANKENSTIEN, Line 6 pedals, Digidesign plug ins. We gots endorsement deals with alls of them. We can wrecks dem all- they just give us more.

Q: What are your influences - musical and otherwise?

William Murderface: Those awesome medical shows about really fat people and tumors.

Toki Wartooth: Depression and wind.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: My influences is my parent. I hates her beyond beliefs.

Nathan Explosion: I'd have to say I've influenced myself a lot. I listen to myself on records sometimes and think, "I could do that..."

Pickles: The sound of drums influences me. I say that I think because I am a drummer. And cymbals.

Q: What will it take for Dethklok to "sell out"?

William Murderface: We sell out every night, dildo.

Toki Wartooth: We sells out every night.

Nathan Explosion: Selling out is a point of view thing. I've redefined my word definitions of "selling out." I call it making things "more metal," and now it's impossible to sell out. We don't sell out at all. And we never will. I dare you to try. Seriously. Offer us any amount of money. And we'll take it. And we'll make it "MORE METAL."

Q: Death and mayhem seem to follow the band. Unlucky or cursed? Does it affect your music?

William Murderface: Lucky!

Toki Wartooth: Dat's life, deals with it.

Pickles: Death happens whether or not we are there. Though there does seem to be a little more when we are around. That's why we have the audience sign "Pain Waivers" to get into our show. It basically states that the audience is signing their life away should something horrible and "death-inducing" happen during one of our shows. And we can't be sued. Pretty smart!

Q: What is life on the road like for Dethklok? Do you prefer the seclusion of the studio to the adoration of thousands?

Toki Wartooth: Thousands?! You mean billions!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: The way I looks at it is that you can't f**k studio gear. Well, you can. But it's better to be on the road and f**k things there - there are more options and shapes.

Q: What inspires Dethklok?

William Murderface: A flower with its brains blown out.

Toki Wartooth: Everything must die.

Nathan Explosion: For me, it's humor. The fact that we are rich and that we will die eventually. See, that's kind of funny to me.

Q: Any thought about solo projects? What does Dethklok do to relax?

William Murderface: My solo project is called Planet Piss. Like it or not, who gives a piss?

Toki Wartooth: I likes to answer questions and build models.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: We relax with alcohol and Drug Buckets. And everybody's working on solo stuff always. That's cool. I'm in a Harry Potter tribute band called "10 Points to Gryffyndor." Also, I'm in a nudist Civil War styled band called "Depantsification Proclamation."

Q: Is Dethklok's music art?

William Murderface: When it's painted on your face.

Toki Wartooth: We gots an album cover of a Mona Lisa with blood.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Art is stupid. There is only food and death. So to answer your question: our music is both food and death.

Q: Much is made about Dethklok's penchant for pain and metal. But what about the groupies? Are there special ladies in the lives of Dethklok?

William Murderface: You mean like retarded?

Toki Wartooth: I don't wears no penchant.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I have no recollection of most of the women that I've slept with except for the paternity suits, which are null simply because they must sign a "fatherhood waiver," before a screw.

(end)

I still wonder if the last answer was really supposed to be Skwisgaar's, since it's perfectly comprehensible English, but then again most of his answers are in that one.

Revolver magazine

2009-08-27T10:52:33Z

October 2009 issue of Revolver features an interview with Nathan, Skwisgaar, and Pickles. It's available online: http://www.revolvermag-digital.com/revolver/200910/

Pretty much confirms Ofdensen's still alive, Skwisgaar mentions him a few times. Other highlights include Nathan's love for Pixar movies and Disneyland, Pickles recommending cocaine and trustworthy drug dealers to kids, and Skwisgaar admitting they con Murderface and Toki in the studio and he and Knubbler later record their parts for them. Skwisgaar apparently sits on his hands to make them go numb before playing so he'll "sound more like Toki". I wonder if it's supposed to be canon. Poor Toki and Murderface. XD

If you're in a Dethklok comm or whatever and want to link to this, feel free. Any typos are mine, or in the case of Skwisgaar talking, probably intentional.

I'M SITTING IN A CHAIR WITH a black bag pulled tightly over my face. I can't see or hear anything; there's no way to tell where I am. My hands and feet remain free, but I've been told in no uncertain terms what will happen if I get up. All I can do is wait, but with nothing to indicate the passing of time, I can't say for how long I'm sitting there. Then a door opens, and I hear an unknown number of people shuffling in. Are they like me, senseless and nervous? The door closes with a bang, and I jump in my seat.

A moment later, I hear someone opening a beer bottle, followed by intent gulping. There's a noise like a plastic bag tearing, and I smell something cloying and tangy. Crunching fills the room. Then a deep voice says, "OK, take it off."

The bag is yanked roughly from my head, but I'm still blinded by a bright light shining in my face. There's a table in front of me, and on it is my tape recorder, notepad, and pen. I glance behind me and see two men, both wearing black, hood-like masks. They're holding assault rifles, and I can hear their short, sharp breaths; they don't like me, and I'm certain they'd enjoy killing me.

I hear the crunching again, in front of me, and I squint against the light. Just barely, I can see the unmistakable outlines of three men: Nathan Explosion, singer. Skwisgaar Skwigelf, lead guitarist. Pickles, drummer. Three fifths of Dethklok, the biggest band in the world.

I can understand the security--the hood, the armed guards, the undisclosed location. Some sort of mad terrorist group attacked Dethklok not too long ago. Details remain sketchy but it's known that the band's base of operations, Mordhaus, was destroyed and numerous people were killed. Now no one's taking any chances, and even members of the press are subjected to rigorous background checks and not a few unpleasant probings.

I'm here to talk with the melodic death-metal group about their new record, Dethalbum II (Williams Street). Mostly about why it took so long to come out; the delay plunged the world's economy into ruin and caused worried nations to build up their stockpiles of nuclear weapons at alarming rates. On live TV, anguished over the absent record, the President of the United States put a shotgun in his mouth and attempted to commit suicide. Fans across the globe rioted. They were dark times--brutal times, to use the band's favorite adjective. But they also help to illustrate just how popular Dethklok, which also features rhythm guitarist Toki Wartooth and bassist William Murderface, have become. It's no exaggeration to say that they dominate not only the record charts but also the hearts, minds, and maybe even the souls of heavy-metal fans everywhere.

"I try not to pay attention to the media when I'm in creative mode," says Explosion, as he pulls another chip from the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos sitting in his lap. Crunch, crunch, crunch. "People will bring things to my attention, as in, 'Hey, the President tried to kill himself, because there's not a new record,' but you know, I can't let that affect me because I've got Transformers on the Blu-ray player right now."

REVOLVER Blu-ray? That's what delayed the record and sank the world into a year of pain and chaos?
NATHAN EXPLOSION It's inspiring to see a movie like King Kong on Blu-ray. You can't rip an artist away from that and make him record an album.

REVOLVER King Kong was only three hours long, though...
EXPLOSION Well, The Dark Knight came out on Blu-ray. Iron-Man came out, too. Wall-E came out. I go nuts for Pixar stuff. Um, you don't have to print that.
PICKLES Anyway, once we do get in the studio, we still don't feel like working. Working's not fun, working's not cool, and working's definitely not metal.
Look, you have to waste a certain amount of time before you can get your job done. We'd say, "Skwisgaar, tell us that story again about when you went to school and you ripped your pants." And even though we know that story by heart, that'll eat up about six or seven minutes of studio time. And then we'll go, "We've been here for four hours and we haven't done anything, but it's break time." And that's how we do things.

REVOLVER It's amazing the record was ever finished at all. What finally motivated you?
PICKLES You have to do a lot of cocaine to really get motivated and focused about your art. That's my secret little trick, and I'll tell all the kids out there: Probably the best thing you can do if you want to become a great musician is find a good drug dealer. A trustworthy drug dealer. Spend the extra money on good drugs.

REVOLVER A lot of people might say that's not the best message to send to kid...
PICKLES Who? Who would say that? Probably people who aren't professional musicians. People who haven't experienced the same things I have. So I throw that question back at you: Who would say that?

REVOLVER Well, doctors...
PICKLES If he's a doctor who's also in a successful death-metal band, he would have my attention. But he's probably not. He can't play drums, so it's hard for me to take anything he says seriously.
EXPLOSION The things that get me excited about going back into the studio are Cool Ranch Doritos, blowjobs, and, you know, good, old-fashioned hard drinking. That's the kind of stuff that'll get me excited about, you know, art. My art.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF You're asking us whys we don'ts finish this records, but it's finished. It's outs theres now. You want to know what makes us takes a lots of time? It's that we don'ts eats right. That's what our dietician says. We has, like, for breakfast nothings. For lunch, potato chips. Maybes we'll send somebodys outs for Cinnabons. Then we move on to pretzels. And then a pizzas. And then, you know, it's a bunch of salts and bread doughs, and its makes you fall asleeps.
EXPLOSION Yeah, we need to factor in napping.

EVENTUALLY, the band did finally finish the record, and many would argue that the results were worth the ravaged nation. Dethklok worked with legendary producer Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler to craft an album that delivers the kind of punishing death metal their fans expect ("Bloodlines," "The Gears," "Burn the Earth," and, well, to be honest, every other song on the disc). The band expands their sound a bit, however, like on the song "Black Fire Upon Us," which creates powerful hooks by laying a bed of epic, melodic chords underneath Explosion's grinding vocals.

To capture their music, the band's R&D department created an astonishing new recording medium that delivers sound as pure as a mountain spring: water. Recordable water, to be exact. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the process isn't easy or cheap. "When you record on water, you spend a lot of money, and you ruin a great amount of natural resources," says Pickles. "The machine that makes the water recordable, to run it, you need to burn fossil fuels, redwood trees, endangered species. But you know, you can really hear it in every track."

REVOLVER How so?
PICKLES It brings an energy. When you fuck up you realize that's a couple animals right there. Or that's our oil reserve. And it makes you think a little harder about missing notes or coming in at the wrong part.
SKWIGELF I try to practice my parts before I's goes in, so they ams played pretty wells the first times. And when Murderface and Toki comes in, we do a lots of "pretends recordings," when we act like they're recordings and then when they leaves the rooms, I actually record their parts.

REVOLVER Wait, you record Murderface and Toki's parts?
SKWIGELF I only say this because they're not in the rooms. But late at night I have been known to come in with our producers and I does the majorities of their parts. For Toki, just to make it sound more like hims, I'll sits on my hands and makes them fall asleep a little bit.

REVOLVER Nathan, how did you prepare for the new album? Didn't you mention something about Pixar?
EXPLOSION Yeah, you've got to balance stuff out. I'd usually hang out with some buddies who are CSI investigators. I'll tag along when they go to crime scenes. You're always looking for a new way to die when you're writing these records.
But you've got to balance the dark with the light. When you think about the magical kingdom of Disneyland and then you go back and talk about fucking dead bodies, it's like, "OK, now I see the difference."

REVOLVER The difference between... um... Disneyland and dead bodies?
EXPLOSION Right. You need to know they're not the same thing.

IT'S THREE MONTHS prior to my high-security meeting with the band, and I'm standing by thousands of Dethklok fans. The band is at a Duncan Hills coffee shop opening, a contractual obligation it entered into with one of its biggest sponsors. As usual, Dethklok are surrounded by some of their Klokateers, the armed, hooded men that provide the group's security, and also fill such day-to-day roles as drivers, pilots, maintenance, stage crews, and whatever other jobs might be required.

The day begins quietly enough--considering the size of the crowd--but then a popping noise comes from somewhere among the fans. It sounds like a pistol shot, though authorities still haven't confirmed this. Regardless, the Klokateers respond immediately to the perceived threat, firing their assault weapons into the crowd and killing dozens of people in an instant. Throughout the massacre, Dethklok look distracted and bored.

Orgies of violence are nothing new to the band, and they require concert attendees to sign pain waivers. Fans have had body parts shot off by lasers; they've been crushed when airborne stages landed in the middle of mosh pits; they've had their flesh seared off by giant vats of scalding coffee; they've been eaten by Finnish lake trolls.

And yet, for all that, they keep coming back in droves, drawn to Dethklok despite the low survival rates. How do they explain this to the authorities? "'This is out of our jurisdiction, officer,'" Pickles says, back in our secret bunker. "'We have nothing to do with that'--that's what our lawyer told us to tell you. But having said that, after a show, if we find out that some of our fans are no longer with us, well, we have to say, 'OK, that's not the worst thing in the world.'"
"We hate the fans," elaborates Explosion. "We find them disgusting. I mean, God bless 'em if they buy our records. But then, you know, we wish they'd go kill themselves."

REVOLVER You want your fans to kill themselves? Aren't they the ones who keep you in business?
EXPLOSION We say, "Buy our stuff, preorder the stuff that's not out yet, and then go kill yourselves." But a lot of them don't. They'll go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah," but then they chicken out at the last second. We actually find that a little disappointing.

REVOLVER You've said that it's not about the violence; it's about the brutality that comes out of the violence. Has that changed at all with your continued success?
EXPLOSION I think being successful affords us the opportunity to bring a brutality to wider stretches of the world. For example, Murderface wanted to build a resort in El Salvador, and he evicted about 60 families from their homes. He built a rollercoaster for himself, and I think that teaches those people in El Salvador a new kind of brutality. That's something Dethklok does.

REVOLVER How does that brutality differ from the brutality they might have experienced under abject proverty, oppressive regimes, or rebel violence?
PICKLES OK, egghead, we don't have a crystal ball. All we know is that we took something that was natural and we ruined it to make the world worse. And who knows? Maybe they'd have been better off with the rebel violence and rape and abject poverty. But I think knowing there's a rollercoaster right there that they can't ride under any circumstances makes their lives a little bit shittier. And I think that's the brutality you need.
That's an answer I'm happy with. See, at first I got all mad at you, and then I really became insightful towards the end.

REVOLVER You've achieved so much--do you still experience brutality in your own lives?
SKWIGELF We experience a new kind of brutalities thats happens to peoples who lives in a bigger tax brackets. So, I mean, we now experience that brutalities of, "Does our landscapers have a green card, and can we be helds accountable for that?" That's brutal.
Or, "Will our butlers, you know, if we don't pay hims his health benefits, ares we held accountable?" That's brutal.
Or, having a multi-billions dollars companies and not really knowing how to runs its and trusting some guy with glasses? That's am pretty brutal.
That inspires us to be violents--to our employees, to our managers, to random fans. It's a very empowering feelings to grab the fans by the fan and to push him when all he wants is your autograph. That ams brutal for hims--and it's brutal for mes to even looks at that fans. You get sicks of thems, because they're like a lot of little birds, chirpings and waitings for you to feeds them and regurgitates in their mouths. And sometimes you don't wants to feeds the birds. You wants to crush its with your fists.

REVOLVER Why is that so gratifying?
EXPLOSION You want to ask me questions about the human condition--I'm not a psychotherapist. All I know is it feels good to destroy. At the end of the day, I like to see people get hurt, I like to see people fall down, I like to pick up a brick and put it through a stained-glass window. That's who I am. I'm simple. I like French fries. That's where I'm coming from.

AND THEN, all of a sudden, a pair of hands grabs my shoulders from behind while someone else pulls the hood back down over my head. "Interview's over," hisses a voice just behind my right ear. A moment later, I feel my skull explode in pain while stars flash behind my eyes, and slowly, serenely, I slip into the deep, black waters of unconsciousness. The last thing I remember hearing is the slow, deliberate "crunch, crunch, crunch" of Nathan Explosion and his bag of Doritos. (end)

Skwisgaar should have a condom endorsement deal.

2009-08-05T05:58:35Z

An account of the live Dethklok concerts a couple years ago: According to Facebones in the live show, you can have sex with Dethklok after completing numerous STD tests. And no fat chicks. Except for Swissgarr [sic], he will take fat chicks.

Well, that explains why Skwisgaar hasn't dropped dead of some horrible STD yet and how he's apparently totally clean despite banging countless groupies. That and/or they are indeed all functionally immortal, which seems equally possible, since they appear too stupid to live most of the time otherwise. I'm willing to bet season 3 may even touch on this.

From the episode "Klokblocked" (edited for better quality caps!)

2009-07-15T07:42:34Z

Toki was dating Skwisgaar's female doppelgänger?

And from the same ep, Nathan was dating woman versions of the rest of Dethklok too.

From left to right: Skwis!girl, Pickles!girl, Toki!girl, and Murderface!girl.

Everything you didn't want to know about Skwisgaar.

2009-07-09T00:14:37Z

Skwisgaar Skwigelf is Dethklok's renowned lead guitarist. He has been coined "The Fastest Guitarist Alive" as he exhibits a specialty in speed scales. Skwisgaar takes particular pride in his clean speed picking, and is highly critical of the guitar playing skills of others. His supposedly "godlike" abilities are apparently the result of years of literally constant practice; an element of humor throughout the series has been his ever-present Gibson Explorer. He is frequently shown practicing the guitar in odd places, such as submerged in water in the hot tub, in an elevator, during mass, and during meals both at home and in public. Skwisgaar repetitively practices finger-coordination exercises on a daily basis and in an almost compulsive manner, which can frequently be heard during Dethklok's conversations. Particularly noteworthy occurrences have been playing during his sleep in Dethklown, continuing to play shortly after dying in Nathan's dream in Go Forth And Die, and practicing naked in front of a crowd during an embarrassing situation in Mordland.

His hands have apparently become so nimble that he has developed ambidexterity; he is sometimes shown playing left-handed. As shown in Skwisklok, his hands have been appraised by insurance at the value of ten-billion dollars -- one billion per finger. Not uncommon of self-taught guitarists, he cannot read musical notation, which he blames on his "music dyslex-kia." Skwisgaar is a strong musical force in Dethklok; in addition to writing songs himself, he is also responsible for the majority of the arrangement of Dethklok's songs; he writes both the guitar lines as well as Murderface's bass lines. Particularly visible in Cleanso, Skwisgaar possess very specific knowledge on music, songwriting and of course guitar; however, he is utterly clueless about most things outside this realm. Pickles once challenged him, "Name something that has nothing to do with guitar! Go, go!" leaving him speechless. (He also thinks grocery stores are "food libraries.")

Hailing from Sweden, Skwisgaar possesses a heavy Swedish accent. He frequently adds the letter "s" to the ends of words, and conversely drops the letter from words that require it. He also makes frequent grammatical errors, usually involving noun-verb disagreement. His speech becomes worse when upset or stressed. Skwisgaar's poor pronunciation and general lack of fluency in the English language are a frequent comedic device within the series. Skwisgaar's English is so awkward that those unfamiliar with him are often unable to understand what he is saying at all, though Ofdensen and the rest of the band interpret him easily. During the filming of Dethklok's movie Blood Ocean, producers found Skwisgaar incomprehensible and his voice was consequently dubbed out of the film entirely, much to his dismay. A stipulation of the band's contract for the film demanded that anyone who attempted to correct Skwisgaar's speech be fired, leading to the suicide of one of the film's directors. Similar to Pickles's affinity for the word "douche bags," Skwisgaar refers to things he hates as "dildos," often using the word as an adjective. He also frequently uses the interjection "pfft," on one particular occasion sustaining the sound for five seconds straight at Toki's notion that clowns are metal.

The attention and respect he receives as the world's fastest guitarist has resulted in a great deal of pride. Skwisgaar has a personality that is more arrogant, haughty, and uptight in comparison to that of his band mates, and is a classically airheaded character. He is oblivious to his own ignorance and often indignantly defends himself in scenarios in which he is blatantly incorrect. Contrary to the confident image he maintains publicly, he is occasionally shown having emotional breakdowns in private, particularly featured in Skwisklok, and quickly masks his vulnerable state when caught crying by Ofdensen. As expressed when talking to himself in the mirror, the title of The Fastest Guitarist Alive also comes with tremendous pressure and expectation; Skwisgaar privately fears failure and rejection, also shown during his dream sequence in Dethlessons. However, his band mates are apparently not unaware of these insecurities, as they are easily able to intentionally trigger his neurosis in Dethlessons and repeatedly refer to him as a "basket case." Although the five men all display a discomfort with closeness, Skwisgaar is particularly aloof and emotionally-detached, rarely making kind or positive comments and expressing affection only when speaking for the band as a whole.

Skwisgaar is referred to as the band's Lothario and is depicted as the most sexually-active member of the band, though he lacks discerning taste. His particular attraction to the overweight, the elderly, and MILFs is not an uncommon comedic device within the series, and an occasional source of ridicule from his band mates, as seen at the breakfast table in Mordland. In the episode Dethtroll, Toki compared Skwisgaar's vice with women to an employee at a candy factory being oblivious to his own candy addiction; Skwisgaar once claimed to have "you-know-whatted" approximately five-hundred women during a single visit to Finland. In contrast, the filming of his sex scene for the Thunderhorse music video is particularly awkward and uncomfortable; he remarks that the voluptuous and healthy-looking model resembles an emaciated Tom Hanks in the film Cast Away.

His lack of paternal influence and unusual relationship with his mother, a former beauty pageant model, appear to be the origin of much of this behavior. He displays criteria of sexual addiction; for example, in the episode Dethwedding he regretfully admits he would have sex with two strippers immediately after making fun of them for being possibly STD-infected "skankies." He abhors marriage and fatherhood, and apparently is not adept at dating as seen in the interview Women. In an IGN interview he confesses that he has no individual recollection of any of the women he has slept with aside from those who have filed paternity suits against him, which are null as his sexual partners must sign a "fatherhood waiver" prior to performing the deed.

Skwisgaar exhibits a codependence on band mate Toki Wartooth. He is often bossy and controlling toward Toki, and frequently disparages Toki's guitar-playing; however, it has been made increasingly apparent throughout the series that this is done to quell his own feelings of insecurity. In the episode Dethlessons he has a symbolic nightmare regarding his situation with Toki. Though Toki has received guitar lessons from Skwisgaar in the past, they are shown to be ineffective to an intentional extent. The mere idea of Toki improving his guitar abilities is so upsetting to Skwisgaar that he attempts to ban Toki from Dethklok when he discovers him with a guitar teacher, though this also appears to have been partially influenced by jealousy. Despite his frequent rudeness and sarcasm toward Toki, Skwisgaar seems to have an attachment toward his friend. For example, though he suggests they kill Murderface in the following episode, he frowns immediately at Pickles's suggestion that they kill Toki in Dethkids, saying, "Oh, I... That's maybes a little too hards for mes to handle." In Dethrace, he berates Mr. Gojira for getting verbally abusive with Toki for not pulling out into traffic. Skwisgaar is a self-described nihilist and atheist, denying not only the existence of God but that of religion itself; however, in The Metalocalypse Has Begun he tells Toki he will see him in Valhalla when they believe they are about to be killed.

Skwisgaar designs custom guitars in his free time, and owns a collection of bizarre and exotic guitars, as seen in Skwisklok. These include the Swiss Armytar, the Ant Farmitar, the Gibson Excaliburtar, and a guitar supposedly made of wood from the True Cross. Skwisgaar asserts that he hates playing acoustic guitars, which he and Toki refer to as "Grandpa's guitars."

As listed in the Skwisgaar Skwigelf Advanced Fast Hand Finger Wizard Master Class, his Gibson Explorer features EMG 81 and EMG 85 pickups, and his hardware includes Krank Revolution and Krankenstein amplifiers, multiple Krank Krankenstein guitar cabinets, along with Toki, a directly connected Line 6 PODxt effects processor, a Dunlop Crybaby wah-pedal -- Dimebag Darrell signature model, a Digitech Whammy Pedal, and some unmentioned MXR pedals. As told during Snakes 'n' Barrels, Skwisgaar has been in a large number of bands prior to joining Dethklok, including Agnostic Priest, Gangagar, Eldele'el-Alele, Gognog Mug Alugdug, Fuckface Academy, Sausage Assassin, Financially Raped, and Smugly Dismissed, to name a few. He claims to have been in "pretty much every band." In an interview Skwisgaar mentions two side projects, a Harry Potter tribute band called 10 Points to Gryffindor, and a nudist Civil War styled band called Depantsification Proclamation.

Skwisgaar bears a racism toward the Danish though he confuses them with the Dutch. Skwisgaar's bedroom is the only room in Mordhaus that is not decorated in a very dark neo-Gothic style; his all-white, sparsely-furnished room reflects the Swedish Modern aesthetic. In the episode Skwisklok, he experiences a severe angioedemic allergic reaction to an ingredient in Nathan's barbecue sauce, cilantro.

Brendon Small and Tommy Blacha created Skiwsgaar as a blond Swede — "a handsome guy who thinks he's the greatest thing in the world, with a little bit of Yngwie Malmsteen in his attitude." He also seems based on Thor Von Clemson a character played by Brendon Small in the short film The Thor von Clemson Advanced Fast-Hand Finger Wizard Master Class.

Skwisgaar has been rumored to be based off of Yngwie Malmsteen, the Swedish guitar player.

He has also been rumored to be based off of Alexei Laiho of Children Of Bodom.

In the Hogwarts_Hocus universe, he also has the most metal father of all, but doesn't know it (yet?).